Do you know what I'm talking about when I describe a twisty, aching feeling in your chest that comes when your heart has really taken a beating? You know when you go through something hard, or you watch somone you love suffer? It's like a physical suffering that's one hundred percent linked to your feelings. Sometimes it can be so bad that you feel almost nauseated/sick all over. If you've felt it, you should know exactly what I'm talking about. If not, you probably think I'm insane. It's all good.

Anyway, I've only felt it twice that I remember. When Ms. Sample died first, and now I'm feeling it again. I know it's pretty ridiculous of me. I was only in Jamaica a week, but I really really miss the kids, and the friends I made there. I don't understand how I love them this much after just one week. I don't understand at all, but my heart is twisting and contracting inside of me. Like crazy. It's not a pining away, I-wish-I-was-somewhere-else-feeling. It's just a sadness over partings that have to exist in this world. It's just a I-love-you-and-want-to-be-able-to-hug-you-everyday feeling. I guess that's called missing someone. Well I miss a lot of people.

Last week was a turning point for me, because I finally mastered something I've been struggling with for a while now. I now understand what it means-what it is- to really be in the moment. I've been trying to acheive a complete now-ness in my life recently. Before last week, it was just going okay. A little progress, but no major turning points. On Friday of last week, though, I finally grasped it. I finally had a right-now-is-everything moment. It was wonderful. It was like seeing life for what it is: a collection of moments. All we have is the present time. There are moments past, but they are gone. There are moments to come, but they aren't here yet. What I realized and experienced was the true right now. My only time. I think that's what made that day and the next so memorable to me. I was there, and those moments were all I had. It didn't matter that there will probably be more moments, and more time to come. It mattered that I was right there right then, and that it was an important moment. I'm determined to carry this on throughout my life. While planning, and being prepared is invaluable, I think that knowing how important every second is, and taking advantage of the current time is even more so. There will never be another right now. There may be a future; there has been a past. But first and foremost is the present, and I don't want to waste it. Whether I'm doing chemistry, watching a movie, or holding a child, right now is important, and I don't want to spend it looking forward at what could be, or back at what has been. Now is important; now is a gift.




Lydia